Did You Know? Unmasking Doesn't Mean Losing Social Skills
Why Letting Go of Masking Doesn't Mean Rejecting All Learned Coping Strategies
The Fear of Losing Your Mask, And Yourself
For years, you've worked hard to fit in, adapt, and meet expectations, whether at work, in social settings, or even within your own family. Maybe you've been praised for being "so easygoing," "a great communicator," or "a natural leader." But deep down, you know that much of it isn't effortless, it's masking.
Masking is the conscious or unconscious suppression of traits, behaviors, or emotions to conform to societal expectations. While it's common in neurodivergent individuals (such as those with ADHD or autism), many people mask their true selves to avoid rejection, judgment, or discomfort.
But when you start to unmask, a fear often arises:
Will I lose the skills I've built?
Will I still be able to navigate social settings?
Will people see me differently if I stop masking?
Here's the truth: Unmasking doesn't mean losing social skills. It means using them in ways that align with your authentic self, rather than forcing yourself to conform at the expense of your well-being.
In this article, we'll explore:
✅ What masking is and why it develops.
✅ Why letting go of masking doesn't mean losing valuable skills.
✅ How unmasking can actually enhance communication and relationships.
✅ Strategies to embrace authenticity while still navigating social expectations.
What is Masking, and Why Do We Do It?
Masking is a survival strategy. It helps people navigate environments where they feel unsafe, misunderstood, or judged.
Common Examples of Masking:
Forcing eye contact even when it feels uncomfortable
Mimicking others' behaviors to blend in socially
Suppressing stimming (repetitive movements) to avoid drawing attention
Over-preparing for conversations to avoid awkward pauses
Hiding emotions or downplaying struggles to appear "normal"
📌 Data Point: A 2022 study published in the Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders found that 94% of autistic adults reported masking their autistic traits in social situations (1). This highlights just how prevalent masking is within the neurodivergent community.
Many who mask don't even realize they're doing it until they reach a point of mental and emotional exhaustion. This is why unmasking is an important step toward self-acceptance and well-being.
Unmasking Doesn't Mean Losing Valuable Skills
One of the biggest misconceptions about unmasking is that it means rejecting everything you've learned—as if letting go of masking means suddenly forgetting how to navigate social situations.
But that's not how it works.
Think of it Like This:
Masking is like wearing an ill-fitting suit. It might help you blend in and appear professional, but it’s uncomfortable, restrictive, and exhausting to wear all the time.
Unmasking is like tailoring that suit to fit you better. You’re still dressed appropriately for the occasion, but now you’re more comfortable, more at ease, and more yourself.
Here’s What Unmasking Actually Means:
You can still use social strategies—but in ways that feel right for you. Instead of forcing eye contact because you "should," you might focus on alternative engagement cues like nodding or paraphrasing.
You get to decide when and how to engage. Rather than feeling obligated to go to every social event, you can choose which environments align with your energy levels and interests.
You develop communication skills that work with your brain, not against it. For example, instead of forcing small talk when it feels draining, you might lead with direct questions or topics you genuinely enjoy discussing.
📌 Data Point: A study in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry found that children with ADHD who were encouraged to embrace their authentic selves and utilize their strengths had better social outcomes and reduced anxiety compared to those who were pressured to conform (2).
How Unmasking Can Improve Communication and Relationships
Many people fear that if they stop masking, they'll struggle socially. But often, the opposite happens:
You become a better communicator. When you're not spending energy on hiding your natural behaviors, you can focus more on what's actually being said and build deeper connections.
You attract deeper, more meaningful connections. Masking often leads to superficial interactions because you're playing a role. Unmasking allows you to build relationships based on genuine compatibility and shared interests.
You gain confidence in setting boundaries. Instead of people-pleasing out of fear, you'll learn to advocate for your needs without guilt, leading to healthier and more balanced relationships.
Example: Before unmasking, you might have forced yourself into loud, crowded social settings to appear outgoing. After unmasking, you might choose smaller, low-stimulation gatherings where you can engage more comfortably and authentically.
How to Unmask Without Losing Social Confidence
Unmasking is not about rejecting social skills—it's about using them on your terms.
Start Small: Choose When to Unmask
Unmasking doesn't have to be all or nothing. Try choosing low-risk situations where you feel comfortable being more authentic.
Example: If forcing eye contact is draining, practice alternative ways of showing engagement, like looking at a person's mouth or taking notes while they speak.
Keep the Skills That Serve You
Not all aspects of masking are bad, some have helped you succeed. The key is to identify which strategies actually work for you and which ones feel exhausting.
✅ Keep: Social scripts that help guide conversations when needed.
❌ Let Go Of: Over-apologizing or over-explaining to avoid making others uncomfortable.
Develop Your Own Communication Style
Instead of trying to mimic how others interact, embrace communication that feels natural to you.
Example: If small talk is draining, you might say,
🗣 "I'm not great at small talk, but I love deep conversations, what's a book or show that really impacted you?"
This lets others adjust to you, rather than you constantly adjusting to them.
Set Boundaries and Honor Your Energy Levels
If masking has been a survival mechanism, learning to set boundaries will be a game-changer.
Example: If long meetings leave you mentally drained, try:
Asking for written follow-ups instead of extensive discussions.
Taking screen breaks or using fidget tools to stay engaged.
Unmasking means prioritizing your needs, without feeling guilty.
Final Thoughts: Unmasking is About Freedom, Not Losing Skills
If you've spent years masking, the idea of letting go can feel both freeing and terrifying. But remember this:
You are not broken.
You are not losing yourself.
You are gaining the ability to engage with the world on your terms.
Unmasking isn't about rejecting everything you've learned, it's about reclaiming your energy, your authenticity, and your right to exist comfortably in your own skin.
Schedule a coaching session to develop personalized strategies for unmasking while maintaining social confidence.
Sources:
Hull, L., Petrides, K. V., Allison, C., Smith, P., Baron-Cohen, S., & Lai, M. C. (2017). "Putting on My Best Normal": Social Camouflaging in Adults with Autism Spectrum Conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(8), 2519-2534.
Shaw, P., Stringaris, A., Nigg, J. T., & Leibenluft, E. (2014). Emotion regulation difficulties in attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder: A clinical and neurobiological perspective. The American journal of psychiatry, 171(3), 288-298.
