My Journey: Masking and Unmasking
Masking is a relatively new term in my vocabulary. I didn't truly grasp its meaning until my late-diagnosis of ADHD. Before that, I simply considered myself a chameleon—someone who could effortlessly blend in and adapt to any situation. But after learning about ADHD, I realized that what I had been doing my entire life wasn't just adaptability—it was masking.
For years, I overthought every interaction, second-guessed every action, and replayed conversations in my head, analyzing what I could have done differently. I spent countless hours shaping myself into the person I thought others wanted me to be, and in the process, I lost sight of my true identity. The official ADHD label and the hormonal shifts of perimenopause broke down my ability to mask, forcing me to confront the reality of who I was, and who I wanted to be, in an entirely new way.
The Burden of Masking
Looking back, I can see how deeply masking has infiltrated every aspect of my life. There was never a place where I felt truly safe to be my authentic self, except when I was alone. Perhaps that explains why I spent so much time in solitude. It was utterly exhausting to constantly adjust my personality, my behavior, my very essence to meet the ever-shifting expectations of others.
I dressed on trend, wore what was expected, got contacts as soon as I could, and meticulously avoided doing anything that might make me stand out. I was convinced that if I could just blend in, I would be safe from judgment, criticism, and rejection. But that perceived safety came at a steep cost: the gradual erosion of my authentic self.
In social settings, I would meticulously observe others, mirroring their body language and speech patterns. I'd rehearse conversations in my head, anticipating potential questions and crafting "acceptable" responses. I'd suppress my natural enthusiasm or curiosity if it seemed out of sync with the group's energy. At work, I'd spend hours perfecting emails, agonizing over every word to ensure they conveyed the "right" level of professionalism. I'd force myself to sit still in meetings, even when my body craved movement. I'd avoid suggesting unconventional ideas, fearing they might be perceived as too "out there."
Alcohol and Masking
For years, alcohol was my shortcut to unmasking. Drinking gave me the illusion of relaxation, a temporary reprieve from the overthinking that plagued me in social situations. It was a coping mechanism that allowed me to navigate a world where I constantly felt like I was performing.
But as I embarked on my self-improvement journey, I recognized that alcohol was just another mask, a temporary escape from the discomfort of my own skin. When I stopped drinking, I had to confront the deeper fears and anxieties that I had been numbing. It wasn't easy, but it was an essential step towards true authenticity. Now, I'm learning how to feel comfortable in my own skin without relying on alcohol to get me there. It definitely quieted the overthinking. I felt relief and relaxation in social situations. It helped me escape self-judgment and the fear of rejection.
The Relief and Grief of Diagnosis
Receiving my ADHD diagnosis was a bittersweet experience. On one hand, it was an immense relief—I finally had an explanation for why I had always struggled in ways that others didn't seem to. It validated my experiences and gave a name to the challenges I had faced for so long. But on the other hand, it brought a wave of grief. I mourned the years I had spent trying to mold myself into someone I wasn't. What could my life have looked like if I had known sooner? If I had been given the tools to thrive rather than just survive?
Despite the grief, I found a glimmer of hope in my diagnosis. Now, armed with a clearer understanding of myself, I had the opportunity to move forward with intention. I could start making choices that aligned with who I truly was, rather than who I thought I was supposed to be.
Unmasking and Self-Discovery
One of the biggest challenges of unmasking has been figuring out what I actually like—what genuinely brings me joy, rather than what I've conditioned myself to believe I should enjoy. I've started asking myself a simple yet profound question: "Do I actually like this, or is this what I think is expected of me?"
This process of self-discovery has led to some surprising revelations. For example, I now prioritize comfort over expectation when it comes to clothing. I've embraced bright colors because they spark joy within me, not because they conform to any trend. I've stopped worrying about whether my choices will be perceived as "normal" and started focusing on what makes my heart sing. I'm reminded of the scene in The Runaway Bride where Julia Roberts' character constantly changed her favorite type of eggs to match her fiancé's preference. Like her, I spent years adapting my likes to fit in, but now I'm learning to tap into my own genuine preferences.
The Struggles of Unmasking
Unmasking is not an easy path, especially in environments like the workplace. I've experienced rejection, been undermined, and even bullied for not fitting neatly into the expected mold. It's incredibly difficult to unmask when you know it could come at a cost. I still find myself masking in professional settings because I feel like I have to, but outside of that, I am slowly learning to let go.
Perhaps the hardest part of unmasking has been learning to accept myself without the external validation that masking once provided. When you spend a lifetime seeking approval by becoming what others expect, it's terrifying to strip all that away and face the vulnerability of your true self. Will I still be accepted? Will I be loved? These are the questions that whisper in the quiet moments.
Finding Freedom in Unmasking
I don't know if it was the ADHD label, my age, or just sheer exhaustion, but I don't care as much anymore. Not in the apathetic sense, but in the freeing realization that most people won't remember the things I obsess over. The world doesn't scrutinize my every move as I once believed.
That realization has given me permission to start embracing who I am, quirks and all, rather than who I think I should be. It's a work in progress, a journey of self-discovery and acceptance. I still mask in certain areas of my life, particularly at work, because I know there are expectations I have to meet. But outside of that, I am learning to unmask in small, intentional ways.
What I Would Tell My Younger Self
If I could go back and talk to my younger self, I would tell her this: It's okay to be different. You don't have to fit in to be worthy of love and belonging. Your quirks, your passions, your unique way of thinking, they are not things to hide. They are your strengths, the very essence of who you are.
Unmasking is an ongoing journey, a continuous process of shedding layers and embracing authenticity. Some days are easier than others. But every step I take toward authenticity is a step toward freedom. And I wouldn't trade that for anything.
Unmasking is a journey, and you don’t have to navigate it alone.
If my story resonates with you, I’d love to hear from you. Share your thoughts in the comments, or if you’re looking for guidance on embracing your authentic self, let’s connect.
Schedule a session today and take the first step toward living unmasked and empowered.
